Thursday, August 4, 2016
Friday, December 21, 2012
I really miss my hometown. In February of 2011 my friend Seth, his son, and I all drove up there together and I think that was one of the most fun trips I've ever had. Even falling off a cliff at Old Man's Caves was fun. :)
Monday, December 17, 2012
I wonder if stupid hope is mostly a female thing. What do I mean by stupid hope? You know...when deep inside you know something or someone is one thing because it's been shoved down your throat in bad ways more times than you care to count, but you still hold out the stupid hope that THIS TIME (and usually this is NOT the first time you have this hope) the something or person will be different. Even though you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there's been no change at all, you still desperately grasp onto that hope as if it were a life jacket and you're afloat in the middle of the ocean. Is it a woman thing? An idiot thing? A believing in the best of everyone thing?
I'm in such a situation...with a twist. I absolutely know the "same old" patterns, words, entreaties, excuses, orders, etc. I know them by heart. I've changed though. I have a tiny hope that change has occurred, but I don't really care this time. That's actually a really comfortable position to be in. When you know somebody's game and can play it right back at him/her without allowing him/her to have all the power s/he used to have, it's absolutely incredible.
That's really what the heart of the issue is, I think....allowing somebody to have power over you. Allowing a DISHONEST and game-playing somebody have power over you!! It is absolutely foolish, demoralizing, and tortuous to give anyone that kind of control. I know most people would tell you to get rid of such a person in your life, but I also know that talk is cheap and easy. For whatever reason, sometimes you have to have this person in your life. I'm not questioning your motives because, believe me, I have my own, but I WILL tell you to grab back the reigns. If it's important to have this person/people in your life, then play their game right back at them. Whatever they do or say to you, do the same - doubly - back at them.
I'm sure a lot of people will tell me how wrong this is, but honestly I'm telling you exactly what I wish I would have been told long ago. Take back that power and control but let them think they still have it all...I promise you it will change your life, your feelings and emotions, and your perspective.
Be in control and show up all game players in your life with their same game!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
There seems to be a lot of confusion amongst the male population as to what the terms "friends with benefits" and "fuck buddies" mean. I know, I know...a lot of you are sitting there saying to yourselves, "What is the major malfunction??" I'll tell you what the major malfunction is -- your brains. You have to use your BIG HEAD (the one on top of your neck) and not your little head (you can stop with the big head jokes...) to think. But, because I know how difficult that is for a lot of you, I am going to spell it out clearly so you understand the distinction and can, from this day forward, use the proper terminology.
Friends with Benefits - This is the term 97% of the male population use. Let me tell you exactly what friends with benefits entails. The FIRST word in the term is the most important word -- FRIENDS. What is a friend? A friend is someone you go places with...whether it's for drinks, for a meal, for a random drive, to shoot pool, to to the beach, to your other friend's house, etc. There's none of the "OH MY GOD YOU CAN'T MEET MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS!" hysteria because you are FRIENDS first and foremost. You talk to each other, you confide in each other, you joke around with each other. And, on certain occasions, you have sex with each other. Sex is not the MAIN FACTOR IN THIS....FRIENDSHIP is. You with me??
Fuck Buddies - This is the term the majority of you do NOT use but should be using. What is a fuck buddy? A fuck buddy is someone you have a sexual relationship with with absolutely zero ties. You don't really hang out much, there's none of that "weird friendship" stuff, you don't go out to places together, and you definitely do not meet each others' friends and family. You meet just for sex or cuddling that leads to sex.
I'm hoping that you all see the clear distinction here. Have you ever wondered why your friend with benefits has gotten infuriated at you or hurt when you ignore her?? Um -- I hate to say it, but -- DUH!! Any FRIEND would be hurt by being ignored or only being called on for sex.
Now it's up to all of you to use the proper terminology so you don't look like an idiot.
Thank you for reading and I hope I've helped save you some face.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
If you are planning to VISIT southwest Florida - especially the Fort Myers/Cape Coral/Naples area - or relocate here, this post is a MUST READ. Trust me. I wish somebody would have explained all of this to ME when I first got here. I know it's a little long, but what's an extra fifteen minutes of your time when it comes to surviving the year-round driver and then the HORRORS of snowbirds??
Rules for Drivers That Are NOT Snowbirds
1. If you are approaching a traffic light and it is yellow or it has just turned red, DO NOT SLOW DOWN AND/OR STOP! Yellow lights and newly-turned-red lights mean "Get through the intersection as fast as you can!" If you slow down or stop you will either cause a major accident as the one ... or five ... cars behind you will plow into you at full speed OR you will be subjected to the angry horn blasts of the irate driver behind you who is now frothing at the mouth with visions of your blood being spilled onto the road at his/her hands. It is much safer for all involved (except for the out-of-towners who are not aware of our rules...but they really don't matter) if you just keep going.
2. There is no passing lane or slow lane on the highways or major roadways. ALL OF THE LANES ARE FAST LANES. Please read that again --- ALL OF THE LANES ARE FAST LANES. Read the next rule for the very important speed equation.
3. For all drivers that are NOT snowbirds, there is a very simple equation to figure out what speed you should be driving. One thing to remember here is that the posted speed limit is NOT the speed you should be going. Please, save yourself the horrific effects that happen when you travel at the posted speed limit. The equation is as follows: Posted Speed Limit + 20 = Actual Speed Limit ---- BUT, if there is a cop on the highway or roadway near you the speed limit is: Posted Speed Limit - 10 = Actual Speed Limit.
So, for example... You are driving on 75 headed to Naples and the speed limit posted is 70 mph. That means, if there are no cops present, you should be traveling, at minimum, 95 mph. Remember rule #3!! ALL OF THE LANES ARE FAST LANES! If there IS a cop present, you should be traveling a maximum of 60 mph -- and please make sure that once you see a cop that you SLAM on your brakes as hard as you can regardless of anyone behind you!
4. If it begins to rain, PANIC ... or not panic. You have two options here (the 1st one is actually the most popular): 1-Slam your brakes as you would if you saw a cop, fishtail down the road and almost slam into other drivers, and then begin traveling at least 20 mph UNDER the posted speed limit. 2-Keep going the 20 mph above the posted speed limit as you have been doing even though the majority of drivers are now driving 20 mph under the posted speed limit.
5. Use your horn only on rare especially horrible occasions such as someone actually slowing down or stopping at a yellow or just-turned-red light, someone pulling out in front of you when you're a mile away from where they are making the turn, someone waits longer than .005 of a second to go after a light turns green despite the cross-traffic still coming through the intersection, etc. When you DO use your horn you have to use it like you mean it. What does this mean?? you might ask. Well, if you REALLY mean it then you push down on the horn of your car and you HOLD it for about 15 to 30 seconds. Down here we do NOT utilize the quick 1-3 second horn blast! That is just an insult to our aggressive natures and might even result in legal action. When you are NOT utilizing your horn, it is ALWAYS acceptable to partake in the language of sailors or start throwing around hand signals. Don't be shy!!
6. Pedestrians have the right of way. Okay, you need to really understand this one. In other states, pedestrians have the right of way if they are IN cross walks or if they are utilizing a crossing light or if the traffic is light, etc. Down here, the pedestrian has the right of way even if there is a traffic line 25 miles long and all of the cars are traveling at speeds in excess of 80 mph. And they WILL use this right -- especially when it's dark or raining and visibility is horrible. They really love wearing dark clothing too so they blend in. If you hit one, you will be crucified....possibly in a literal sense.
7. Emergency Vehicle Law: The written law is, of course, the same in almost all states. You pull over into the right lane and STOP for emergency vehicles coming up from behind you; if you are coming up TO an emergency vehicle and/or cop car that is stopped on the side of the road, you SLOW DOWN AND MOVE OVER. That's the written law, though, and down here that really doesn't mean anything. The REAL law is if you are in an intersection and making a turn, CONTINUE MAKING THE TURN! I don't care if there is an ambulance that has a dying child in the back of it waiting to cross through the intersection -- they can wait -- keep on going. The same goes for any other driving you are doing -- traffic lights, stop signs, highways, roadways, parkways, etc....they can wait for YOU.
8. If you see an accident occur -- do not stop; just keep going on about your day because there's nothing you can do anyway even if you DO know CPR and first aid and are a doctor.
Rules for Drivers That ARE Snowbirds
Ahhhh....snowbirds. Nothing says Florida like thousands of elderly out-of-staters who take our driving experiences to a whole new level....and sometimes to a whole new ER.
1. Snowbirds have the luxury of choosing from three speed limits. 1-the actual posted speed limit (this one is rarely chosen; it's usually utilized by vacationers and not actual snowbirds), 2-Actual Posted Speed Limit + 30 - 15 + 2, or 3-Actual Posted Speed Limit - 25.
So, for example... If the posted speed limit is 55 mph, snowbirds will either be going 72 mph in whichever lane they want (usually it's a combination of ALL the lanes) or they will be going 30 mph in the far left lane. It gets REALLY exciting when you have three snowbirds going 30 mph in all three lanes and nobody can get past them!!
2. Traffic lights and lane positions really have no meaning for you. A red light can mean go while a green light can mean stop. If you're in the lane for going straight and the turn signal traffic light turns green, go ahead! It doesn't matter that approximately 30 cars are turning right in front of you --- they'll move! If you are stopped at a red light in the far left lane, once the light turns green you can make a right hand turn across four lanes of traffic without using any turn signal -- and make sure you do it at approximately 4 mph!
3. When you DO stop at a red light and it turns green, wait about two minutes before starting to move forward. When twenty-seven cars start utilizing their one-minute-horn-blowing-techniques behind you, look around as if you can't figure out who is making all of that noise. Oh and if you REALLY want to make the most out of your special rules, start moving forward at a decent speed and then all of a sudden SLAM on your brakes, turn your turn signal on, move at about 7 mph, cut in front of all the traffic in the other lanes, and turn into a business's parking lot.
4. U-turns and left-hand turns: These are some of the most fun rules you guys have. If there is a business on the left-hand side of you and the only way to get to it is to keep going straight and eventually make a u-turn, don't fret! All you have to do is look for the closest left-hand turn opening before the business -- even if it's about 1/4 a mile away! -- turn left and then drive towards INCOMING TRAFFIC until you reach the business and sllooooowwwlllly turn into the business. Again, I cannot express it enough --- everyone will move for you. We are here on the road to accommodate YOU!
Rules 4, 6, & 7 from above also apply to you...but seriously throw in some erratic behavior just for the fun of it. We love it when you keep us guessing!
Rule #8 WOULD apply to you except...well....you'll probably be the ones IN the accidents. So, with that being said, when you cause an accident, be sure and lie about what happened!!! Florida is a no-fault state and it is SO AWESOME when the full-time citizens get in an accident with you and then have to hire an attorney just to get some kind of payment and coverage from insurance companies because you can't even remember where you were driving let alone who caused the accident.
Remember folks, driving in southwest Florida is definitely an adventure. During season you can tell the snowbirds and the year-rounders apart in two ways: 1-snowbirds are also called q-tips because you can barely see their bushy white hair over the front seats of their cars (it's a great identifier besides their license plates), and 2-year-rounders ALWAYS have their hands thrown up in the "WTF!?" expression.